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Frozen
The EWW episode of the 2013 movie Frozen. Transcript #Cliché of opening narration replaced by its sinister cousin, opening singing. #(the Walt Disney Animation Studios logo is shown) What? We already did the Disney logo with the f*cking castle. Jesus, now we're doing multiple logos PER STUDIO in front of a film? #(young Kristoff and Sven are shown) Cute baby animal qualification? Full-filled. #(Kristoff feeds Sven a carrot) Also, the director said, "I want you to have the baby reindeer eat a carrot, so he'll look like even more of an asshole." #(the men sing that ice is stronger than 100 men) Ice is stronger than a hundred men...unless you have a pick-axe. #(the men leave without Kristoff) Is ANYONE chaperoning this child? #(8-year-old Elsa sleeps in her room) This large triangle window is a "F*ck you" to sleep. #(5-year-old Anna brings Elsa to the living room for her to do the magic) Animation? Princess? Magic? Disney movie is a go, people, Disney movie is a go for launch! #(the King of Arendalle flips pages to find a map to the trolls) Movie rips off the "all the answers are in some old mysterious book" thing from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. #(the map falls out of the book and opens itself) This map looks really unhelpful. #(the trolls roll down to the royal family) We interrupt this animated princess movie to bring you Galaxy Quest. #(the troll king says that he'll keep the fun after changing Anna's memory) You mean...you had the power to remove fun too? #(the King states that it's best that Anna doesn't know Elsa's powers) Yeah, because you don't have and never will have the power to tell your sister "no" when she asks you to do the magic. #(the troll king tells Elsa to learn to control it) I know a guy who teaches a summer class if you want to enroll. #(Elsa's bed gets moved away) Wait...I know this room is huge, but they still had to share the same bedroom in this huge castle? #(9-year-old Anna knocks at Elsa's bedroom door) So does Anna really not see Elsa for years? The family never gets together and eats dinner or anything? #Also, why bother erasing Anna's memory if Elsa is just going to stay behind a locked door the whole time? #(Anna rides her bike down the hall while standing on the seat with one foot) This stunt is actually more dangerous than any of the ice games Anna and Elsa were playing before. #(the parents die in a ship during a storm) Girl with superpowers, dead parent cliché? This IS a superhero movie! #(15-year-old Anna and 18-year-old Elsa lean against the opposite side of the door while Elsa freezes her room) Look, if she's freezing up the entire room including the DOOR she's leaning against, then her sister would definitely feel the cold, and probably also be leaning against an ice block and not a door. #(two village folks talk about how beautiful they think Anna and Elsa are) Eh...if I were still in a relationship with this cartoon I'd probably still hit it if she let me. #Also, this whole kingdom went for over a decade without seeing the princesses after the King and the Queen died? They just...took the word of some random butler that the princesses were alive and well and sh*t? #(18-year-old Anna notices the castle has 8,000 salad plates) You could not grow up in this f*cking behemoth castle without knowing you had 8,000 salad plates. #(Anna sings about the ballroom not having any balls in it) You and AC/DC should have a discussion about wordplay. #(Anna wonders if she'll meet "The One") Um, Neo is a Warner Bros. character, so I'm not sure how you think that would happen, but princesses gotta dream, I guess. Or wait...did you mean Jet Li? #(Anna wants to stuff chocolate in her face) Haha, you women and your chocolate. #It seems like these gloves do a good job keeping the ice from happening, so why did Elsa need to lock herself in a room for all these years? #(Anna sings about finding true love) This girl's motivation changed from hanging out with her sister to finding true love in the blink of an eye! #(Anna travels out of the castle by herself) This is a princess, right? Heir to the f*cking throne?! Not one person guarding her, or...keeping an eye on her? This kingdom is run by f*cking idiots! #Since we find out that Hans is the bad guy later, this moment of him smiling like he's the good guy while no one is around is a bit of a cheat in the narrative. #(the bishop tells 21-year-old Elsa to take off her gloves) Yes, everyone knows the rules about how coronations aren't valid if the queen-to-be is wearing gloves when grabbing the scepter. #This ice makes serious progress on these royal items are no one in the entire hall notices it. #(Elsa greets her sister) Is this the first time they've seen or spoken to each other in like, a decade? #(Anna and Elsa think about chocolate) Haha, you women and... #(Elsa states that she can't reveal Anna her powers) Is there any reason you can't tell your sister about your powers now that you're both adults? When the trolls recommended you keep it from her...she was, like, 6! #(Anna falls in love with Hans) "Falling in love in one evening montage" cliché. #(the guard sees Anna and Hans) The guard obviously sees suspicious activity, but decides, "Eh, f*ck it." #(Anna and Hans climb the castle roof) How the f*ck would have they been able to climb a roof this steep?! #We are nearly 30 full minutes into this 90 minute movie, and while the kingdom and the princesses are pretty well established, there is no real sign of conflict. And I honestly can't tell who the main character is...Elsa or Anna. #(Anna wants to live a new life) Dammit all, is this movie doing the whole "simple misunderstanding that real people would never have because they ask questions and have normal human conversations about it" thing? She would rather Encino Man her sister than just tell her the truth?! #(Anna leaves Hans in charge of the kingdom) With a kingdom that plays things this loosey-goosey, you'd think some other kingdom would have long ago taken over this place. It's not like anyone's actually in charge of anything here. #(Elsa finishes singing Let It Go) So...is she empowered now? Or...is she the villain now? #(Hans' horse runs away from Anna) "Horse abandons the hero for no other reason than the plot" cliché. #(a pile of snow falls on Anna) Nope. Sorry. Hypothermia. This chick is dead. #(Anna lands in a stream not frozen) Wait...if the whole land is covered in an icy cold winter that can't go away because, you know, it's so cold that the sun can't melt the ice then...how is there a running stream for Anna to fall into? #Also, if there is a chance to get EVEN MORE hypothermia, this is it. #(the merchant shows Anna the winter department, where snowshoes fall on the floor) Snowshoes are known for their excellent comic timing. #(several loaves of bread are placed on a shelf) Also, this is a terrible way to store bread. #(Anna asks Kristoff "What size does it matter?") Did the writers just sneak in a "size doesn't matter" joke into this kids' movie? #(wolves' eyes can be seen glowing in the darkness) Well, good thing these wolves have evolved to have eyes that can glow on cue or else humans wouldn't have a chance. #(Anna lights some of the sled's cargo on fire and then throws it at the wolves) Was setting it on fire necessary? Wouldn't the sheer force of being hit by the bundle be enough? #(the sleigh flies through the air over a huge canyon) This is like a family version of The Grey—too bad Liam Neeson isn't here to threaten to beat someone to death over a f*cking billfold. #(Kristoff is struggling to keep a hold on the edge of the snowy cliff but almost falls over until Anna tosses him a pick-axe tied to a rope to pull him up) I'm sorry...even when you're a cartoon, you should be dead...gripping a snowy cliff with gloves? At the very least, do like Wile E. Coyote and crash into the bottom of the canyon with a satisfying "poof." #(long shot of a two-peaked mountain) I like this shot, but... where the f*ck are they going right now? #(Kristoff says, "It's completely frozen!") Roll credits! #(Anna kicks Olaf, whom she just met) Anna is a dick to snowmen she's just met. #Well, s*it, I can't be upset about a talking snowman, even if I want to be... not after this movie started out with magical rock trolls. But... I can always just award another sin here for the magical rock trolls, because it's not like that's gotten any less stupid at this point. #(Anna says, "That's right – Olaf!") Come on... I mean, you definitely don't remember anything about Olaf because of the magic trolls at the beginning. And surely if you remember Olaf, you'd remember your sister, the ice games you played, and getting knocked unconscious... and all of this could have been avoided in the first place. #Also, when did Elsa's powers change from being able to create snow and ice... to being able to create living conscious beings out of snow? #(Hans is looking for volunteers to help him find Anna) Aw, man, but who are YOU going to leave in charge of Arendelle? #(Olaf finds a staircase that leads where Anna and Kristoff need to go) Gradus-Ex-Machina #(Anna tells Kristoff to stay outside of Elsa's ice palace because the last time she introduced her to a guy, she froze everything) Impeccable logic. I mean, those were way different circumstances—and what, is she going to EXTRA freeze the already frozen country if she gets upset this time? #(Anna tells Olaf to give her a minute) Snowman who has no idea how the sun's heat would melt him does have a concept of time. #So what does Elsa eat out here? Or do magical beings not need food? #(Anna sings, "Arendelle's in deep, deep, deep, deep... snow.") Now, that's just musical cheating. #(Olaf calls the snow monster Marshmallow, who advances on him) OK, so this isn't the "Abominable Snowman"? And you're just basically going to take the Ghostbusters' villain name? Sure, they don't call him "Marshmallow Man" but they might as well. #(Kristoff tells Anna to worry about her hair) It's a good thing Anna got hit with the icy blast with Kristoff around, the one guy who's made friends with the magic trolls. #(Kristoff tells Anna that his friends will be able to fix her because he saw them do this before) And...you're not putting 2 and 2 together and realizing she's the exact same girl somehow. #(Olaf "introduces" himself to the trolls) I like Josh Gad as much as the next guy, but he clearly watched too much Ice Age before making this movie. His character is a discount Sid if ever I saw one. #Trolls wait just long enough to come alive for some reason so Anna can think Kristoff is crazy. #(the trolls start to sing Fixer Upper) We came here to heal the girl who got struck by an ice blast, but sure, let's do a quick number first. God, this ENTIRE movie happens because NO ONE says the obvious s*it they should say at the right time! #(the trolls continue to sing) OK, so these trolls are "love experts." When did "saving people from icy blasts to the head" enter the picture? #(Grand Pabbie says, "Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart.") Oh my god! #(Elsa tries to defend herself against the Duke of Weselton's henchmen) Use your ice powers to make a wall of ice, and keep these guys from doing anything! Is it that hard all of a sudden? #(the henchmen chase Elsa up the stairs) No way they ran up the stairs that fast, even in the cartoon world. They should have slipped and slid all the way up, too. #This dude just sits here and watches, not firing, while the queen slowly imprisons his buddy! #(Kristoff says of Anna, "Make sure she's safe.") Unnecessary orders. #Hans is suddenly evil, because, well, we need another 15 minutes out of this script, and also we had two decent guys for her to fall in love with, and this way she doesn't have to make a choice. #Also, wouldn't it be logical for the ice-loving Kristoff to fall in love with the Ice Queen? Two perfect guys, two perfect girls, and the sniveling Weselton guy could have been the villain trying to overthrow Arendelle. Instead, this movie is so focused on trying to pull the rug out from under the audience and be surprising it loses common sense. #(Anna warns Hans that he won't get away with his plan, but he sneers that he already has) #More of those amazing doors to a common room that can lock people in from the outside...lucky Anna came to this room so Hans could begin his evil plan. #(Olaf unlocks the door with his carrot nose) Frozen turns the "flat metal object that can open doors and starts cars" into a carrot...because carrots can open locked doors now. #Also, how the f*ck did Olaf know Anna was in here? #Also, maybe she should be dead by now? Elsa's ice tends to move quickly, and her heart's been frozen for days now. #Guy who wants to kill the queen just stares at her when she drops to her knees and turns her back. #(Hans slowly swings his sword at Elsa as Anna runs up to block it) Major sword delay from Hans here. That's supposed to happen in older men. #"Act of true love" magic takes a long-ass time to start working after the actual act of true love. #(Anna tells Elsa that she sacrificed herself for her because she loves her) If Maureen Johnson is suggesting to Veronica Mars what I think she is...then that beats my fan fiction and rough sketches. #Elsa, do you think maybe we could wait until we're not standing out in the middle of a frozen lake to start thawing the whole city? #Also, Elsa masters her newfound love magic INSTANTLY. S*it, she still doesn't know how to use her ice powers properly without killing people! #I'm calling bulls*it on this "they were on a boat the whole time" nonsense here, because they are CLEARLY not on a boat back before the thawing started. #We never really got an answer on how her ice magic managed to create a sentient being. But f*ck it, I guess. We've got ice-skating to do. #(about the castle guards) These assholes have no idea Hans turned evil. That all happened down at the ice lake, in the middle of the blizzard they couldn't see through...but hey, the princess just punched a dude, so, yuk it up everyone! #I'm pretty sure you can't leave your boat frozen in the middle of the lake all winter and then have it work just fine. #We're not sure how to end this thing. Eh, just slowly pull back and swell up the music. #Also, an island kingdom, a long-unseen princess with magical powers locked away, horse/reindeer playfulness, wild-scoundrel love interest...I swear to god this movie and Tangled started out as the same script. Movie Sin Tally: 96 Sentence: Death By Poison (sandwiches) Trivia *The narrator refers to Josh Gad's role as Olaf as a "Discount Sid", a character from the Ice Age movies. *This sins video is the first video that covers an animated movie. 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